Renewed thoughts.
I've been thinking.. thinking about my actions, thoughts, verbal accusations, my feelings and behaviour, and I came to realised I most prob was quite a bitch. I wonder is it a girl's thing to have the most adverse reactions, worst assumptions, and the ones who really thinks too much?
Rem abt the entry I had abt me not liking a certain girl etc etc etc..... well i shld say a good number of you would know who she is, at least those closer to me would know. One friend commented to me an observation abt me, sayign that I tend to think lowly of myself aka low self-esteem. Well, I told him, yep.. it's true. But I guess this led me to think further abt why am I feeling this way most of the time. Like I've mentioned, I'm not living badly, I have a great family, a good job, a good circle of friends, and a love life, what more could I ask for? Why then, am I still feeling so lousy of myself? I guess I compare too much and I'm too sensitive to my surroundings. Maybe it doesn't help that I studies behavioural studies before, where I do have a lil knowledge on things like body languages. I guess i read into all these too much and thus assumed what the people are thinking or potentially saying about me. Of coz, being on a lil on the plump side and growing older day by day, I guess I feel threatened by those who are naturally slim and young. I'm just one of the unfortunates who can't really slim down to less than 50kg and for me.. hitting that is a big struggle. I guess partly why things are happening as it is, could also be bcos of no self affirmation or self praise or for that matter, reaffirmation from others. But then again, who am I to demand such attention.
I guess for the case of the "i dont like the girl" issue. Honestly, there's really nothing I can do about it. Shld I continue having such hatred and jealousy or should I release the fear and anger and embrace the fact that she is indeed attractive and bound to attract attention and no way am I able to compete with that. But then again, this is just me thinking or at least this is how I feel about the whole situation. Honestly, who am I to stop the friendship from happening?
Trust and faith are two very powerful words with power meaning, but they are the most difficult to exercised upon and thus most downfalls are because of the lack of both. How to have faith and not trust, and how to trust and have no faith? Usually, a person might lack both, and I guess, I am one of those. I kinda am the "seeing is believing" person and thus contradicts my religious following as a Catholic where faith of not seeing to believe is required and trust to believe that by not seeing...happiness and peace will still be delivered. How hypocritical isn't it? I wonder shld I blame it on human nature that jealousy will always be a part of all of us, and that it is this emotion that we will forever have to tackle and conquer. Jealousy is something I feel will forever grow on you even if you've grown older and wiser. Maybe the way it's being exercised and executed will be different, but jealousy will forever be the evil constantly harming us. If there isn't such a feeling called jealously, do you think the world would be what it is today? Honestly?
I guess what's more crucial in handling this is to try to minimise the use of jealousy, to be willing to accept that certain things had happened, voice it out and hope for the better. Therefore, the trust and faith formulae must come into place here. You can have all the love in this world, but without trust and faith, nothing can pull through.
I guess, I would love to say I wish to let go and not be jealous of 'her' and stop being angry of the friendship formed between 'him' and 'her'. Maybe I really should meet her..... maybe I shldn't hold on too much onto 'him'. Like what another friend had said, it's always better to leave a portion knowing one day it might not happened, that maybe this person isn't really the one for you. I guess, that's the changing factor of views, behaviour and all.
I've been constantly asking myself if I've changed, and if I did, has it been a good change or bad change. I guess knowing that the times of self-reflections have proven to me that there are certain things that should change. It's not to say that whatever happens, I'll accept it with open arms and no questions. If this are amissed, of coz a fight must go on. But I guess, it shouldn't go overboard and make things worst.
I hope this is a start to a change. Like I said... it's not gng to be instantaenous, but at least i'll try to try. But of coz if I do sense a "taking for advantage" mode, of coz my defensiveness will come in place, because as cliche as it sounds, it takes '2 hands to clap', if I'm willing to change and be a better and more mature person, the other should at least bear in mind what he/she should do too. Self-awareness is all Im asking for. Unfortunately we're living in a time where everyone is looking at you, and a culture whereby everyone talks too.
Growing old is indeed tough.
