Renewed thoughts. I've been thinking.. thinking about my actions, thoughts, verbal accusations, my feelings and behaviour, and I came to realised I most prob was quite a bitch. I wonder is it a girl's thing to have the most adverse reactions, worst assumptions, and the ones who really thinks too much?
Rem abt the entry I had abt me not liking a certain girl etc etc etc..... well i shld say a good number of you would know who she is, at least those closer to me would know. One friend commented to me an observation abt me, sayign that I tend to think lowly of myself aka low self-esteem. Well, I told him, yep.. it's true. But I guess this led me to think further abt why am I feeling this way most of the time. Like I've mentioned, I'm not living badly, I have a great family, a good job, a good circle of friends, and a love life, what more could I ask for? Why then, am I still feeling so lousy of myself? I guess I compare too much and I'm too sensitive to my surroundings. Maybe it doesn't help that I studies behavioural studies before, where I do have a lil knowledge on things like body languages. I guess i read into all these too much and thus assumed what the people are thinking or potentially saying about me. Of coz, being on a lil on the plump side and growing older day by day, I guess I feel threatened by those who are naturally slim and young. I'm just one of the unfortunates who can't really slim down to less than 50kg and for me.. hitting that is a big struggle. I guess partly why things are happening as it is, could also be bcos of no self affirmation or self praise or for that matter, reaffirmation from others. But then again, who am I to demand such attention.
I guess for the case of the "i dont like the girl" issue. Honestly, there's really nothing I can do about it. Shld I continue having such hatred and jealousy or should I release the fear and anger and embrace the fact that she is indeed attractive and bound to attract attention and no way am I able to compete with that. But then again, this is just me thinking or at least this is how I feel about the whole situation. Honestly, who am I to stop the friendship from happening?
Trust and faith are two very powerful words with power meaning, but they are the most difficult to exercised upon and thus most downfalls are because of the lack of both. How to have faith and not trust, and how to trust and have no faith? Usually, a person might lack both, and I guess, I am one of those. I kinda am the "seeing is believing" person and thus contradicts my religious following as a Catholic where faith of not seeing to believe is required and trust to believe that by not seeing...happiness and peace will still be delivered. How hypocritical isn't it? I wonder shld I blame it on human nature that jealousy will always be a part of all of us, and that it is this emotion that we will forever have to tackle and conquer. Jealousy is something I feel will forever grow on you even if you've grown older and wiser. Maybe the way it's being exercised and executed will be different, but jealousy will forever be the evil constantly harming us. If there isn't such a feeling called jealously, do you think the world would be what it is today? Honestly?
I guess what's more crucial in handling this is to try to minimise the use of jealousy, to be willing to accept that certain things had happened, voice it out and hope for the better. Therefore, the trust and faith formulae must come into place here. You can have all the love in this world, but without trust and faith, nothing can pull through.
I guess, I would love to say I wish to let go and not be jealous of 'her' and stop being angry of the friendship formed between 'him' and 'her'. Maybe I really should meet her..... maybe I shldn't hold on too much onto 'him'. Like what another friend had said, it's always better to leave a portion knowing one day it might not happened, that maybe this person isn't really the one for you. I guess, that's the changing factor of views, behaviour and all.
I've been constantly asking myself if I've changed, and if I did, has it been a good change or bad change. I guess knowing that the times of self-reflections have proven to me that there are certain things that should change. It's not to say that whatever happens, I'll accept it with open arms and no questions. If this are amissed, of coz a fight must go on. But I guess, it shouldn't go overboard and make things worst.
I hope this is a start to a change. Like I said... it's not gng to be instantaenous, but at least i'll try to try. But of coz if I do sense a "taking for advantage" mode, of coz my defensiveness will come in place, because as cliche as it sounds, it takes '2 hands to clap', if I'm willing to change and be a better and more mature person, the other should at least bear in mind what he/she should do too. Self-awareness is all Im asking for. Unfortunately we're living in a time where everyone is looking at you, and a culture whereby everyone talks too.
Well.... i guess one lesson I must learn is to let things go and move on. To not bother about the past and look forward to the future. I guess i've been too pessimistic and angsty over the things that I've been through. Some might say, it shldn't have happened, you shldn't have suffered.. but I guess... what's done is done.... and no point to bother.
Heck care mentality is the best mentality ever. You wont be bothered about stuff... just move on and act blur always. If that makes one happy that is. I guess.... i have to continue to be patient and wait and see... and see if changes do happen... and cast that benefit of the doubt once again.
I guess as u grow older, u seek more answers and reasons.. and i guess being an adult is so complicated.... u'll never get what u want.. unlike when u're a child, or u had to do was to be very obediant or cry.
The word ZEN is very much in my mind now. I shldn't put in all my heart into such things, coz you'll end up being hurt the most.
Im frustrated still... no doubt... but I cant stay at the same level always, coz honestly.. i came to realised.. i'm really left alone for this one.. alone to fend it myself. There's no short cut of people tellin me things.. but rather... i have to find out myself, and if i dont... move on.. dont bother abt it. If that's really reality... then that's really reality.
Life is unfair. It has always been. But what to do? nothing... do nothing at all.
Take A Minute Girl Come Sit Down, And Tell Us What's Been Happening. In Your Face I Can See The Pain,Don't You Try To Convince Us That You're Happy (Yeah) We've Seen This All Before But He's Taking Advantage Of Your Passion Because We've Come Too Far For You To Feel AloneYou Don't Let Him Walk Over Your Heart I'm Telling You
[Chorus] Girl, I Can Tell You've Been Crying And You Needing Someone To Talk To Girl, I Can Tell He's Been Lying And Pretending That He's Faithful And He Loves You Girl, You Don't Have To Be Hiding Don't You Be Ashamed To Say He Hurt You I'm Your Girl, You're My Girl, We're You're Girls
Want You To Know That We Love You [Verse 2 Kelly]
See What You All Don't Know About Him Is I Can't Let Him Go Because He Needs MeIt Ain't Really Him It's Stress From His Job And I Ain't Making It Easy I Know You See Him Bugging On Me Sometimes But I Know He Be Tired He Don't Mean It It Gets Hard Sometimes But I Need My Man I Don't Think Ya'll Understand I'm Telling You
[Chorus x2]
[Bridge Michelle] Girl, Take A Good Look At Yourself He Got You Going Through Hell We Ain't Never Seen You Down Like This What You Mean You Don't Need Our Help?We Known Each other Too Well
[Chorus x2]
Well, i wished someone sang me this or say something like that to me. Not literally, but having to know I have "girls" comforting me when I really need it. How nice right?
It started today. I actually forgot. ha! After gym I was walking around, jalaning, and killing some time to relax and take a break. I walked ard Marina Square, the newly renovated Marina Square. It's nice and very confusing too! It's just so different, the whole layout. But I must say, it's a very good improvement to the older marina square. I'm very sure it's gng to be a hit once the whole place is fully renovated.
Anyway, after walking ard Marina square, I headed to city hall. and there it was... the MNG sale! hehe. wat was amazing was that the bfs and the husbands were all queuing for their gfs and wives. Heh... the whole place was a hell hole, clothes everywhere, girls charging for the changing room, snatching tee shirts away, and the men... quietly and patiently waiting for their women. how sweet right! Better still, no sigh of disgust or frustrations on their faces and body language. It's like they understand their role in a MNG sale! heh... some even were choosing the clothes for their women. ahaha
I wanted to get some stuff, seeing how cheap the clothings are. Things are gng for almost 50%. I wanted to get a pair of jeans or 3/4 for that matter, and before the sale, they were selling it for $89, now.. $36! heh... gng tomorrow to see if there;s my size. it's gng to be a just grab and go thing. No point being in a madhouse!
Well... an update...today's okie.. practically the whole week I had been alone in my lil area of the office. My colleagues are in Bangkok for a conference which is tom, another is on leave. So, it's just me, myself and I. Today was a colleague's last day too, so another lunch kaki gone. She's off to India for a month to help out in a foundation taking care of Kids, then she's off to her next job. Good luck babe! Remember me ye?
I'm glad the weekend is approaching, but this weekend.. it's gng to be a hectic one. Saturday I have to tend the SIF booth at IDP Australia's pre-departure briefing held in Orchard Hotel in the afternoon, followed by gym or mass, then dinner with Kevin's family members, (his uncle's bday celebration). Sunday, I have RCIA retreat, it's a whole day affair from 8.00am to 5.00pm, by the time i reach home, i'll be so tired. I dont even wanna think abt working on Monday. Heh. Next week, well... it's gng to be a super busy week, entertaining a guest from Philippines. That's from tuesday to friday, literally day to night. Yep.. wat a week to come. But I think it'll be fun, i'm gng to be like a tour guide, gng for ducktours, the night safari, shopping.. etc. It'll be the busy fun.
Anyway... i have to sleep now. Tired from gym. But glad to sweat it out.
I seriously dont quite understand me sometimes. I dont understand why sometimes i am what i am in certain situations. I dont understand why i say certain things to certain people. I dont understand why i react in a certain manner to different people. I dont understand the different treatments i give u different people.
Just dont quite understand why im so different in so many ways that it's giving me a headache. I don't understand why i get upset and depressed over certain things and yet elated on things i know i shldnt be happy abt.
I dont understand the evil side of me. The devil is playing a serious joke on me. I really dunno what's become of me but all i know is that i'm realy not happy. The funny thing is this... i dunno why im not happy!! It's not as if.. i had the worst childhood, no education, no family, no friends, no life or no job... but i just feel.... unhappy. This bothers me because it affects who i am and my daily lives.
I'm amazed at how some people can be so strong and happy go lucky. They treat things as if the world is the most wonderful place on earth. I'm amazed at other's strength in whatevr they do. They know what they want and they are in control. I'm amazed at how some people can just get what they want without even asking.
I guess... i've finally hit the mark of everything. I'm confused. How sad is that right. I'm at a crossroad of what do i want and dont want, what i shld have and not have, what i desire and dont desire, what i wish to have and wish not to have. Too many crossroads for me ... too many headaches.
Seriously.. i shld be happy.. i really should be glad and merry. I shld be like everyone else.... able to handle my own life. But i can't. I just dont' understand why.
Crap Thursday! The day started okay, slow and easy. It was the late afternoon that was horrible. My current project requires a website, and the target audience is students both local and foreign. And so the website design came in, and it was not very nice. Dark, dull colours as background, placement of photos were bad. Well, basically, it wasnt to standard, especially the agency that designed this website had previously designed better websites for other projects. And so, the idea of a redesign came up, and so we had to meet up with the agency.
This i say... could be my worst encounter from the agency. The 2 Account Directors came down to see us. One was rather nice, she was here for the purpose of moving ahead and solving the problem. The other... definately came to settle a grudge! But anyway, im sorry, but i think both still need to work on their PR skills.
This is what i felt from their responses, body languages and facial expressions: 1. They disregard us as their CLIENTS! 2. They insult us by telling us, oh I've been in advertising for 5 yrs, web design for 3 yrs, i know what i'm doing. Leave the art director work to us. 3. Blantantly told us, please do not use the word poor quality, i think it is rude to say that and very insulting to us and my designers.
There's more... but i shan't continue further. My point is this, they as an agency made a mistake by giving us a poorly designed website. Dont' give us the crap about that u focus on usability over the design elements. These days, websites are not just info, people go for the deisgn too. Even if the content is great, fantastic or informative, the design element shld be there too, and that's when the agency comes in! They're the expert in web design, not my organisation! I mean we can say what we want, but u are the ones who are the consultants. Why take us so literally?
Also, the comment abt leaving the art director work to them and we dont play art director, that really pissed me off. It's like insulting my studies. WTF! I know I aint arty farty or design inclined, but I didnt go to poly and uni not graduating with no knowledge on webdesign! I still know a thing or two about websites! I really hated that comment. It was obviously a personal attack. How unprofessional.
My feeling is this, and this is based on assumption, I feel the 2 AD, especially the one who made the abv comment, must be thinking that my colleague and I are young and coz we're not in the business, know nuts about web design. Obviously, they're trying to mock us and show the least respect they can. As much as you would love to be frank and open abt this, there's a fine line between being personal and being professional. Many things could be not said, can't handle this kind of feedback, dont be an AD! I know being AD is a tough job, but I still insist, you crossed the line.
I felt, if let say my co was their biggest client, do u think they will react the same way as they did, and also, if it was my manager that sat in the meeting, would they have said what they had said? I dont think so!
Maybe now, i can still tolerate this, it was indeed a good learning experience. Shld another time happen again, dont make me turn nasty and be very blunt as well. I dont care if they have 10-20 yrs in the field, times change, people change, perceptions change, if the client says not nice... it means not nice, dont come and argue saying.. but u gave the go ahead. If they really claim to be in the industry for so long, then by now they shld know Clients are always the fickle minded ones even after approval.
I have a coffeebean cappuccino cheesecake. Yep.. to mark our 52ndmonth (my mistake earlier on) together. I received a phone call from the reception area and was told i have a cake waiting for me outside. Huh? Then I realised, oh ya.... must be from kevin. First it was the catus farm, now a coffeebean cake. Unconventional eh? It has 5 candles attached too.
Heh.
to think my colleagues said... "what mistake did he do now?" ha!
well.. Thank you for the cake dear... again you surprised me. Unfortunately, you will not get to see it, coz by today, it'll be all gone!
I have most unwilling deleted the previous entry because Kevin thinks what I wrote was very childish and i presented a sheltered view. To me... i really dont think i was childish. Kevin thinks the act I mentioned was a noble thing. I say BULL SHIT TO THAT!.
I feel.. im entitled to my opinion abt certain things and on certain people. For ya FACE sake.. i will delete the entry, most unwillingly!
No matter what... i feel u shld be with someone ya own age!
I didnt knock anyone down, neither did i bang into someone else's car. Thank god! Well, I was at istan scotts carpark looking for a lot. I never knew parking there cld be difficult because of the narrow driveway. I was trying to find a lot at the extended carpark but cldnt get alot. I thought i cld do a 3-point turn at the end, but there was no space at all, so I had to reverse. There was a space at the right side for me to reverse in and drive off, and so i headed for that way. Everything was fine, until i heard a loud BANG! I got a shock and looked back and realised i banged against the wall. I panic and there were so many people who saw the incident... yeeks! So.. i quickly parked the car properly and ran back to see how bad the damage was. Luckily it was just the corner bumper and some paint that came off. But nevertheless. it was a bad hit.
Sigh.... and to think just before that I was a slightly happy girl. I just joined planet fitness (suntec) today, coz i really need to work out and lose those extra pounds (further emphasised by my aunt that I've put on weight!) and ye.. so finally got to doin that today. Plus I had a pretty good shopping day yesterday, bought quite a no. of things for myself (1 MNG skirt, 1 U2 pants and skirt, 1 Le sensa) And today... the accident just has to happened. After, everything felt wrong. It was like a good day turned bad!
I told mum right after the incident. I was meeting her for lunch. Luckily I didnt get the scolding I was expecting. She said as long i didnt hit any car... it's okay. But still... things just didnt feel right. I dropped my hp thereafter. I just felt uneasy. Mum said i cannot drive the rest of the day, coz i need to recover from the shock. Heh.. and to think at 4.45am tom I've to drive to airport alone to pick my bro. hehe....
oh well... what a day.
I hope it's just this thing... and not more accidents!
Board games are fun! I was suppose to write this entry on Sunday, but i got all so lazy and sleepy... i decided to postpone this entry to today.
On sat, met up with jared, yilin, marcus, daniel, janice, darryl and dyan to play board games at HV settlers cafe. We played this game called "I'm the Boss!", where we need to negotiate with one another to earn $$, the person with the most $$ wins. It's a damm fun game! We were like screaming our heads off negotiating our way. It was fun to see people desperate for $$, being indecisive, demanding... etc. the whole night (3 hrs) That was the only game we played. At the 3rd round, we all finally gotten the hang of the game, where suddenly, the cafe staff told us that they were closing. After leaving, we wanted more, we didnt had enough fun. Everyone were still raring to cut each other's throat! So we decided to head to Jared's place to play pictionary. It was a girl vs guy competition. First round, the guys won. but that's because they were lucky. To make competition stiffer and more challenging, we decided to play the handicap dice too, where the player must either draw with his less dominant hand, eyes closed, or draw without lifting. This made it so much harder to play, but in the end.... the girls won!! heh!
One news though... one of the drawings was liverpool, and none of the guys could guessed it! ha!
We hope to do this more often. Maybe next up, cluedo, monopoly and many more!
Heheh....
Anyway, not much update on my life. Bro's in perth for a week, house is nice and quiet. Work has been slow. I'm sleepy now and can't wait to go home. sigh.... 1 more hr!!!
Feelings... I wonder is it really my selfish self is being dominant or my true self telling me something.
Maybe coz im lonely. but then again, so what if i have company.
Maybe I'm ready to move on. Somehow.. i really keep having the urge.
Maybe it's the curiousity of what's life will be like after. I dunno.
I really hate making such an entry. But i guess, who else can understand. I've always been the person people talk to abt their feelings and sorrows, i guess it has become difficult for me to tell them how i feel. How ironic isnt it, me telling people what they shld be doing, when i dont even do it for myself.
I feel im not understanding enough. I feel I'm giving too much nonsense. But then again, why is it only me feeling the guilt? Can't be just me right. I mean.. i'm not the only one doing wrong righT? Maybe.. i shld really go out there and hang loose. Make some major mistake... so that i know im really living the life.
Yep. It's confirmed! As of today, 1st June 2005, I am officially employed as a full time staff with the Singapore International Foundation. Yep, my 4 months contract has been terminated and I've converted my temp status to one of perm staff.
Ah... stability smells good.
Well, i guess my one big wish, i've gotten. Praise God for that. I can still rem my dilemma in deciding what's good for my career. First was convertium, it was a sales and marketing position; i was glad to have turned that down in the end. Second, cold storage turned me down, followed by 77th st and then came SIF. I guess, deciding to just give it a shot as a temp staff was really the turning point of my career move. At that time, it didn't seem to be the best and logical move. But somehow all directions from everywhere pointed that way, and so i took it up, and now, i'm glad I did. I finally can say, I have a career. My future is starting to show clearly.
But of coz, the stress level and expectations are higher now, so I must continue to perform well, if not, better. But nevertheless, I am glad everything worked out fine eventually. Most imptly, what was offered was a fairly good deal. Of coz there is a pay increase, but is the benefits that are really surprising. Benefits are quite good at least for a non-profit, non-government organisation.
My parents are happy, kevin is happy and I am happy with what has happened. :)
Thank you to those who has encouraged me in one way or another about my chioce to join SIF as a temp staff. The extra push helped.
