i wonder what's the real deal about writing blogs. To talk about daily activities or thoughts and emotions on issues that matter personally? Well...... i guess for me... i'll try to write about my personal thoughts. Honestly, i keep quite a bit to myself, not many really know what i'm thinking or go through as a person now. I mean, i may look friendly, upset, black face, rude, hostile, happy, smiley... but honestly... am i what i am when i show these expressions? Well, i always like to think i'm a simple person hoping for a simple life. But time and time again, life obstacles and daily situations doesn't make me so. I slowly think I have some internal conflicts with myself. Like.... i'm too sensitive to many things around me. Like words said, or attitudes/actions towards me... i somehow have negative thoughts to those. For example, there are occassions where i feel some people just dont really like talking to me, simply becoz they are different in approach when they speak to other people. It's like they prefer to talk to others than to me. And i'll notice the whole face expression or eye contact, most will avoid eye contact with me or tend to look at other people they want to. Like i said... maybe i'm too sensitive, or maybe it's me that people just dont like to talk to me or for that matter chit chat with me.
This will then lead me to think is it becoz i dont make them feel I am someone they can chit chat with. Or was it on certain occassions where i was rude to them or said some insensitive things in reply. Or maybe i just dont have that attraction to draw people to me. Is this why I'm not good in keeping friends or for that matter stay in close contact with them? Or am i destined to be a loner for life. Loner as in someone who has limited friends. Kevin did mention one thing that really make me think how i am as a friend. He said (paraphrasing) that so what if i have more friends than him, how many do i really stay in contact with? Its true that in amounts I have more people on my friends list than him, but i meet up with only less than 1/10 of the group. Comparing to him, where he still tries to keep in contact with some people, regardless of how long they have not met.
One other thing on why i dont seem to be a draw, may be becoz i aint good at creating conversations or just be in a conversation. There are times i just dont like to talk, or i find it difficult (unlike many other people i know) to find topics to talk about. I aint as bubbly or animated as some of my friends, and that amazes me, as i was not like that when i was in sec sch... i had loads to say... loads to play...i mean.... i could be the clown of the group. but now...... sigh.... i've changed in this manner.
In fact, i dont even have the habit to pick up the phone and just call people to chit chat..... neither do i have proper conversations online as compared to the past. Maybe coz i've distanced myself from my friends.... maybe ... i dont know.
Maybe if i took a different path somewhere in my life... i wouldn't even be having these thoughts. but then again... its too late to turn back time. but i do hope... as i grow more.... i can still change my lifestyle, mannerism, actions, and most importantly be someone i used to be when i was still young.
oh well.... i'll just keep hoping.....
sharon
